Broadsheet

There are things to dislike about Tony Blair. His rather sickly piety is one, and his liberal authoritarianism, on matters such as smoking and fox-hunting, is another. I can't forgive him for calling Diana Spencer "the People's Princess," or for seeking the approval of the Fleet Street rags, and he is one of those politicians who seems to think that staying "on message" is an achievement in itself. Nonetheless, he took a bold stand against the establishment and against a sullen public opinion and did so on a major issue of principle. It is absolutely necessary that his right-wing and clerical enemies be humiliated at the polls.

The Gomery Commission is scheduled to go after some big game in its hunt for the perpetrators of the federal sponsorship scandal, and once again it will have to go undercover.

The inquiry, headed by Justice John Gomery, is investigating charges by the federal auditor-general that $100 million of the $250-million program intended to boost national unity in Quebec through favourable advertising went to a group of Quebec ad firms with Liberal Party connections who liberally siphoned money out of the program while doing little or no work to earn it.

Paul Martin hardly needs another scandal, but the news that Maurice Strong has stepped down from his UN post as special envoy to Korea in the wake of allegations related to the Iraqi oil-for-food debacle is potentially damaging on several fronts.

She has lined up more than 250 of what she calls "the most creative minds" in the country to write a group blog that will range over topics from politics and entertainment to sports and religion. It is essentially a nonstop virtual talk show that will be part of a Web site that will also serve up breaking news around the clock. It is to be introduced May 9.

Having prominent people join the blogosphere, Ms. Huffington said in an interview, "is an affirmation of its success and will only enrich and strengthen its impact on the national conversation." Among those signed up to contribute are Walter Cronkite, David Mamet, Nora Ephron, Warren Beatty, James Fallows, Vernon E. Jordan Jr., Maggie Gyllenhaal, Arthur M. Schlesinger Jr., Diane Keaton, Norman Mailer and Mortimer B. Zuckerman.

Last night a BBC spokesman said: "This is a completely legitimate programme about the history and art of political heckling. The programme observes hecklers at other parties' campaign meetings and not just the Conservatives. The hecklers were not under the direction of the BBC and their activities did not disrupt the meeting in any way. The incident at the Michael Howard meeting only plays a small part in the overall programme. However, we will be investigating the complaint very fully and will be replying in due course."

To review:

1) Don’t be an asshole
2) Lose the weight, stop smoking, take your damn psych meds, and take care of yourself!
3) Its not our fault or responsibility that you’re sick/injured. In fact, it’s probably yours.
4) Folks that arrive dead usually stay dead
5) It’s not like on TV
6) Years of patient abuse have (clearly) left us all a bit burnt out and jaded, so. . .
7) Don’t forget your manners when you come to my ER : )

"Currently, wastewater is held at the plant. No one knows if it is safe to release into the city's waterways or if it needs further treatment first. "

Proposed Discussion Topics for the Next Branch Meeting

I did not attend the last Center-wide staff meeting because I had to choose between: 1) attending the meeting, or 2) standing on a desolate, treeless road in eastern Colorado in freezing cold and howling winds to count non-existent long-billed curlew. Obviously, option two promised to be the least painful so I chose it. Nevertheless, I have been told by some who did attend the staff meeting that it was all doom and gloom and that the really important problems facing the Center were not discussed.

Consequently, I’ve compiled a list of the really important problems I think we should discuss at our next branch meeting.

1. The fern in D’s office has become so large it is scaring the other ferns in the building (for example, it is causing the fronds on my fern to turn yellow, curl, and fall to the never-vacuumed carpet of my office). Perhaps we should discuss whether city leash laws also apply to enormous, frightening ferns, and whether conducting regular controlled burns on the fern should be placed in Dean's performance standards.

2. Does B’s coffee mug, which is of sufficient mass that if hurled properly could kill a charging bull elephant or if dropped would cause a magnitude 4.2 earthquake, represent a safety hazard to USGA employees? Should USGAS employees be required to take the new web-based safety training module entitled “Working Smart and Safe Near B’s Mug?”

3. Word on the street has it that a nefarious secret society called “The Girl Scouts” has infiltrated USGA and has placed an operative in a high-level position (code named “MOM”, but who also goes by the alias “S”) that is trafficking in Girl Scout cookies. This may explain recent, sporadic reports of marauding bands of short people dressed in green (not to be confused with those delightful Keebler elves), going office-to-office kicking open desk drawers and file cabinets searching for and confiscating competitor’s cookies. We should discuss whether or not someone should prepare an S.O.P. entitled “Protecting Your Pecan Sandies and Double Stuff Oreos at the Office.”

4. In recent months tiny, screeching wails have been heard emanating intermittently from the vicinity of E’s office. (editorial note: E brings her infant to work) Covert surveillance has revealed that fellow employee T. is NOT the source of these sounds, despite assertions to the contrary. Instead, many now believe E’s office is obsessed by an Elvin spirit with an affinity for milk and mashed peas, and that the creature must be exorcised as expeditiously as possible. I propose we discuss whether to add a 5% assessment to all USGA proposals to cover the costs of hiring an exorcist of sufficient caliber to perform the exorcism.

5. I would like to discuss whether it is legal to sell the answers to the test questions posed in the web-based safety training USGA employees are required to take, or if this information must be made available at no cost via the Freedom Of Information Act. If the latter is the case, then is a Manuscript Transmittal Form required?

6. In recent months a malevolent-looking five-car motorcade of black limousines, fitted with presidential flags, has been spotted creeping slowly through the USGA parking lot, stopping only to view J’s bumper-sticker-adorned truck. This has caused traffic congestion and has prevented people from getting to work on time (we know this because admin. secretly viewed the secret video footage from the secret cameras secretly placed at the front entrance…you can not escape their surveillance) because they have to detour to Starbucks and return an hour later after the congestion has cleared. The only clue to the identity of the simian-like occupant in the middle limousine, the one where “U.S. Government” on the I-tag is incorrectly spelled “S.U. Government”, is a single red M&M candy found near J’s truck. Evidently, admin discovered the letters “MM” were written in a secret government code, and after months of applying abstruse mathematics and using a supercomputer powered by a nucular power plant…er, I mean a nuclear power plant, they cracked the code on the coded M&M and learned the secret to the secret code is that it is printed upside down. When decoded properly it read “WW” (i.e., “dumbya dubya” [sic]). I propose we discuss whether or not J should be “strongly encouraged” to park this “spectacle” he calls a truck elsewhere so as not to create further congestion in the parking lot. However, we could perhaps relax this sanction if J were willing to convince the local newspaper editor to “reconsider” certain rejected publications prepared by USGA staff.

7. The instructions on the photocopier explaining how to remove paper jams appears to have been written using an arcane alien script that is unintelligible to normal humans. I propose that we use an FTE to hire an exobiologist with a minor in alien linguistics to translate the script into English. We should discuss whether to hire this individual through Johnson Controls or using a student contract, but may instead want to consider placing PI’s in our branch on a 10.4-week rotation to fill the job so they can recoup 20% of their salary.

8. In recent news, Federal Protective Services (FPS) theorists announced they suspect terrorists of a plot to undermine the U.S. government by placing defective toilet paper dispensers in government restrooms. The plot came to light when janitorial staff at USGA reported that approximately every two days they would find hundreds of thumb-sized pieces of toilet paper littering the floor of the 3rd floor men’s restroom. Further investigation by FPS intelligence analysts concluded that defective terrorist-manufactured toilet paper dispensers were trapping federal employees in bathroom stalls, because the backup roll of paper would drop prematurely and jam against the nearly-depleted first roll as well as the metal housing of the toilet paper dispenser, thereby preventing the roll of toilet paper from dispensing smoothly and without resistance (colloquially this is known as the “Metamucil Effect”). Evidently employees, frantically tearing at the jammed toilet paper roll with their thumb and pointer finger, would produce enormous mounds of 1.5 cm x 2.5 cm (SE = 0.15 cm) pieces of tissue and in some cases would be trapped in bathroom stalls for hours, preventing them from attending to “really important government paperwork” like MTFs and Credit Card Logs. The result of this sinister plot was a net reduction in government employee productivity, which appears to have manifested itself beginning November, 2004. At our next branch meeting, I propose we discuss whether OSHA, DOI, and USGA safety regulations mandating that employees be provided with appropriate protective gear when working in hazardous or potentially hazardous conditions, should be interpreted to mean that each member of the branch be issued a discretely packaged, delicately-scented ration of two-ply toilet paper to be used in the event of an emergency.

Clearly this list is incomplete. For example, it has not escaped notice that the numerous problems that have befallen our branch coincide temporally with the arrival of P to our lab, and some have voiced suspicion he might be afflicted with “Bad JuJu” and that it is contagious. Thus a cleansing ceremony, complete with chanting monks and authentic beeswax candles, is probably in order. For a few extra bucks, we might even get the exorcist hired to clear E’s office to help out. However, serious problems like Bad JuJu may be best handled at the Center level and could form the theme of the next Center-wide staff meeting.

The Europeans wanted what is known as a naming and shaming resolution clearly condemning the government of Sudan for its responsibility for some of the atrocities taking place in Darfur.

The African group, among them Sudan itself, opposed this, so the final resolution is milder.

It condemns human rights abuses by all parties in Sudan without specifically naming the government, but it does contain a key demand of human rights activists - the approval of a special investigator on human rights to Sudan who will report to the UN General Assembly.

Our correspondent says it is a compromise that prevented a messy row, something all sides wanted to avoid at a time when many say the commission lacks credibility.

But the fact that it took so long to agree on a resolution which does not even go as far as the UN Security Council which has already referred Sudan to the International Criminal Court is, human rights groups say, simply another sign that the UN's top human rights body needs reform.

Today's decision, by the full federal appeals court in Washington, declined to reconsider a unanimous decision of a three-judge panel of the court. The earlier decision, in February, required the reporters to testify about conversations they might have had with government officials concerning Valerie Plame, an undercover C.I.A. operative, whose identity was first disclosed by Robert Novak, the syndicated columnist.

"In the Vatican, he has been the driving force behind crackdowns on liberation theology, religious pluralism, challenges to traditional moral teachings on issues such as homosexuality, and dissent on such issues as women's ordination."

Over the past few weeks, a judicial inquiry in Montreal has heard charges that Canada's governing Liberal Party was running a system of extortion, embezzlement, kickbacks and graft as dirty as anything Americans might expect to find in your run-of-the-mill banana republic.

Just last week, for example, Canadians learned that one of the closest friends of former Prime Minister Jean Chrétien was paid more than $5 million for work that was never done and on the authority of invoices that were forged or faked. It is charged that this same friend then arranged for up to $1 million to be kicked back in campaign contributions to Mr. Chrétien's Liberal party.

"Inside the cozy relationship between Tom DeLay and D.C.'s most notorious lobbyist. Could it take the leader down?"

Enough is enough. I am bitterly disappointed as I'm sure all Yankee fans are by the lack of performance by our team," Steinbrenner said in a statement issued immediately after the game.

It is unbelievable to me that the highest-paid team in baseball would start the season in such a deep funk. They are not playing like true Yankees. They have the talent to win and they are not winning. I expect Joe Torre, his complete coaching staff and the team to turn this around.

During the discussion with Mr. Hughes - which did not stint on classic Crumb references to fellatio, beheaded nuns, near-severed penises and throwing up while on LSD - Mr. Crumb often seemed to be of two minds about his fame and increasing acceptance in the gallery-art world, which ignored him for so long. He said that as a disaffected young man, if he had not had the outlet of drawing, he probably would have ended up sketching his lurid, big-bottomed female characters "on some prison wall or in a lunatic asylum someplace, or I'd be dead."

"Tejada and Sosa hit back-to-back homers in the sixth inning last night and contributed five RBIs to a seven-run outburst, and left-hander Bruce Chen went the distance to defeat the New York Yankees, 8-1, before a sellout crowd of 48,061 at Camden Yards."

"Newport works in and around an arena which, no matter how hip, still must be considered under the particular jurisdiction of the adolescent male: comics and the comic-book hero. However, he subverts the obvious appeal of violent conflict between forces for good and evil by accenting the decorative aspect of comic work via embroidery…over select faces and details…and through descriptions of a kinder, gentler alternate hero…The artist's use of needle craft, typically considered well within the realm of "women's work," establishes a challenging relationship between the young man implied by these works, the voice of popular culture/media, and a father's voice."

The President had never eaten ice cream before three months ago when his daughter Jenna brought home a pint of Mama Lucy’s Chocolate Chip Exxxtreme and left it on the living room couch. He sampled it and has loved it ever since!

NEW YORK (Reuters) - U.S. President George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld can now also be called bushi, cheneyi and rumsfeldi, or simply slime-mold beetles.

Two former Cornell University entomologists named three species in the genus Agathidium after the U.S. leaders, Cornell announced on Wednesday.

Quentin Wheeler and Kelly Miller christened 65 new species of slime-mold beetles, named for the fungi-like molds on which they feed, which they discovered after collecting thousands of specimens for a study of their evolution and classification.

Wheeler, who after 24 years as a professor of entomology and plant biology at Cornell is now the keeper and head of entomology at the Natural History Museum in London, said the U.S. leaders were being honored for having "the courage of their convictions."

"Holler, holler, holler, till my throat get sore.

If it wasn't for the pretty girls, I wouldn't have to holler no more.

I say, Watermelon! Watermelon!

Got em red to the rid, lady" - Earl Dorsey, Arabber

Although the Tom Ford brand is likely to be welcomed by retailers and fans, more skeptical members of the fashion business might ask why this startup should succeed when so many others have struggled to break even, and inquire whether Mr. Ford can really be both designer and cinéaste.

"I have quite a few directing projects and I plan to have two parallel careers," Mr. Ford said. "When you think that any musician or actor these days is trying to have a clothing brand, it does not seem so strange."

Mr. Bush has had his Apple iPod since July, when he received it from his twin daughters as a birthday gift. He has some 250 songs on it, a paltry number compared to the 10,000 selections it can hold. Mr. Bush, as leader of the free world, does not take the time to download the music himself; that task falls to his personal aide, Blake Gottesman, who buys individual songs and albums, including Mr. Jones's and Mr. Jackson's greatest hits, from the iTunes music store.

....."This is basically boomer rock 'n' roll and more recent music out of Nashville made for boomers. It's safe, it's reliable, it's loving. What I mean to say is, it's feel-good music. The Sex Pistols it's not."

Mr. Jones, Mr. Levy said, was nonetheless an interesting choice. "George Jones is the greatest living singer in country music and a recovering alcoholic who often sings about heartbreak and drinking," he said. "It tells you that the president knows a thing or two about country music and is serious about his love of country music."

Dear Colleagues:

I am delighted to report that Terrence P. O'Brien, M.D, has been named the inaugural Tom Clancy Professor of Ophthalmology. The professorship was made possible by a $2 million endowment by one of the world's best-selling authors, Tom Clancy.

Mr. Clancy, Dr. O'Brien's patient, is the literary master of best-selling thrillers such as "The Hunt for Red October" and "Patriot Games," and a long-time supporter of the Wilmer Eye Institute. The author has included the institute in his books: Cathy Ryan, wife of Clancy's fictional hero Jack Ryan, is a surgeon at Wilmer.

The data show that, on average, a person with a distinctively black name—whether it is a woman named Imani or a man named DeShawn—does have a worse life outcome than a woman named Molly or a man named Jake. But it isn't the fault of his or her name. If two black boys, Jake Williams and DeShawn Williams, are born in the same neighborhood and into the same familial and economic circumstances, they would likely have similar life outcomes. But the kind of parents who name their son Jake don't tend to live in the same neighborhoods or share economic circumstances with the kind of parents who name their son DeShawn. And that's why, on average, a boy named Jake will tend to earn more money and get more education than a boy named DeShawn. DeShawn's name is an indicator—but not a cause—of his life path.

“At the average contingent fee agreement of 40 percent, Pennsylvania trial lawyers pocketed $805 million,” said Robert B. Surrick, Esq., Executive Director of the Politically Active Physicians Association (P.A.P.A.).

Since April 2002, doctors have been required to file reports with their licensing boards when they have been sued for malpractice. Last fall, an investigation by Surrick revealed that trial lawyers had filed 5,600 lawsuits against Pennsylvania physicians between May of 2002 and November, 2004. Of those lawsuits, the Pennsylvania Medical Board had reviewed 3,600 cases, and found only four (4) that showed merit.

“Trial lawyers have sued our doctors at the rate of six per day, seven days a week, for thirty months,” said Surrick. “Yet out of thousands of cases filed, only four have been deemed worthy of further investigation. We don't have rampant medical malpractice in Pennsylvania. Rather, we have rampant medical malpractice lawsuit abuse.”

If the FT really 'got' weblogs why oh why would they have put their 2005 election weblog Zero Five by Steve McGookin behind a subscriber firewall - thus preventing most bloggers from linking to it?

Major League Baseball is returning to Washington after a 34-year absence, but the game of connections and status never left town. So for months, VIPs from business, politics and the media have been working to get choice tickets to Nationals games, with the best seats at Robert F. Kennedy Memorial Stadium taking on the cachet of a prime table at the Palm.

Since we both arrived in Iraq nine months ago, R. Has had missiles fired at him in both airplanes and helicopters. We have both been as close as two city blocks from rocket and mortar explosions. In one case, R. Was a corridor away from a rocket blast in the Palace where we work. I was in a road ambush and nearly kidnapped.

I thought that perhaps going to Baghdad would be a life-changing experience. I'd always wanted to ask people who'd been in dangerous circumstances how the experience had changed them. But quivering on the floor in a flak jacket and helmet over a housedress is really about as mundane, unattractive, and insignificant as it gets. Frankly, all that Baghdad has taught me is what I'd suspected all along, that it is devotion, not circumstances, which has an impact on my faith. Faith influences my response to circumstances, rather than circumstances influencing my faith.

Baghdad is no different than Abu Dhabi or Tokyo or Topeka, Kansas. The temptation comes in sneaky ways: at the checkpoint when you're bored and irritable, at the office...All the usual daily frustrations.

One would think that frequent reminders of one's own mortality would alleviate pettiness, but how about skipping a memorial service because of irritation at seating priorities and having to stand in the sun too long on your half day off that week? How about impatience at the reservist moving too slowly down the corridor in front of you because he's laden with his usual 50 pounds of gear and has been in 130 degree heat for the last four hours while you've been in your air conditioned office? How about resentment against an Iraqi employee crying in the corridor because her family's been threatened again, and you're late to a meeting, and really don't have time for this stuff?

The real lesson of Baghdad for me is that the real heroes are those who stick it out for the long haul, doing this to serve their faith, not for themselves.

And that's people like you.

Thank you for your prayers and your support. God bless you.

Mr. Gomery, meanwhile, is considering lifting the (publications) ban, now that so many people know so much about the proceedings.

"This is a historic moment for blogs," Mr. Morrissey said in a telephone interview. "The point of having free speech and a free press is to have people informed. These information bans are self-defeating for free societies. The politicians know, the media knows, but the Canadian voters are left in the dark and that's a backwards way of doing things."

How do you solve a problem like "Camilla"? If you are Andrew Motion, Britain's poet laureate and the man charged with producing a cheerful commemorative poem about Prince Charles' impending marriage to Camilla Parker Bowles, none of the obvious rhymes - vanilla, flotilla, Godzilla - seem appropriate, somehow.

Our book is often criticised by fellow travellers on the left because we hold Annan and the UN accountable. As head of peacekeeping then, and as secretary-general now, Annan's power to effect any change on the ground, our critics remind us, is constrained by the interests of the Security Council (the US and France didn't want to intervene in Rwanda, the French again in Bosnia, and China and Russia now in Darfur). Therefore it's unrealistic to argue that Annan should risk his job by exhorting his Security Council bosses to do the right thing in the face of genocide.

Our response? Annan asks - no, orders - unarmed civilians to risk their lives every day as election observers, human rights monitors, drivers and secretaries in the most dangerous conditions all over the world. They do it, heroically, every day. And, in the service of peace, some pay with their lives; others with their sanity. How can he then not ask of himself the courage to risk his job in the cause of preventing genocide? At the very least, he could go down trying to save lives, as opposed to going down trying to explain why he didn't.

Republicans, under the direction of Tom DeLay, came up with the idea for the awards five years ago as a means of helping to raise funds for the congressional campaign efforts for their party.

The task of embalming a pope is not one to be undertaken lightly: the penalties for getting it wrong are severe, in terms of public obloquy if nothing else. When Paul VI died in 1978, the morticians were instructed only to embalm the corpse lightly, as it was expected that it would be closed in a coffin for the lying in state. Instead the body was put on open display, despite the intense heat of August. After 48 hours, it is reported, decomposition become painfully obvious: a sagging jaw, discoloured face, fingernails turning grey. The morticians were summoned to provide emergency aid, but the rot went on. This time too, Vatican officials responsible must be banking on the unseasonably mild weather continuing.

Conservative deputy leader Peter MacKay even suggested yesterday that the testimony, which is under a publication ban, could lead to criminal charges against senior party Liberals.

"I have no doubt in my mind that more charges could be laid," Mr. MacKay said yesterday.

"If this thing breaks loose, the ripples on the water could be felt right up to the highest levels of this government, and then it begs the question, are they going to pull the pin themselves or orchestrate their own demise to avoid all of this coming out? This goes to the No. 1 issue, which I think is going to be the defining issue in the next election, that's ethics."

But John Paul II's most lasting legacy to Catholicism will come from the episcopal appointments he made. In order to have been named a bishop, a priest must have been seen to be absolutely opposed to masturbation, premarital sex, birth control (including condoms used to prevent the spread of AIDS), abortion, divorce, homosexual relations, married priests, female priests and any hint of Marxism. It is nearly impossible to find men who subscribe wholeheartedly to this entire catalogue of certitudes; as a result the ranks of the episcopate are filled with mindless sycophants and intellectual incompetents. The good priests have been passed over; and not a few, in their growing frustration as the pontificate of John Paul II stretched on, left the priesthood to seek fulfillment elsewhere.

The situation is dire. Anyone can walk into a Catholic church on a Sunday and see pews, once filled to bursting, now sparsely populated with gray heads. And there is no other solution for the church but to begin again, as if it were the church of the catacombs, an oddball minority sect in a world of casual cruelty and unbending empire that gathered adherents because it was so unlike the surrounding society.

Sadly, John Paul II represented a different tradition, one of aggressive papalism. Whereas John XXIII endeavored simply to show the validity of church teaching rather than to issue condemnations, John Paul II was an enthusiastic condemner. Yes, he will surely be remembered as one of the few great political figures of our age, a man of physical and moral courage more responsible than any other for bringing down the oppressive, antihuman Communism of Eastern Europe. But he was not a great religious figure. How could he be? He may, in time to come, be credited with destroying his church.