Broadsheet

Proposed Discussion Topics for the Next Branch Meeting

I did not attend the last Center-wide staff meeting because I had to choose between: 1) attending the meeting, or 2) standing on a desolate, treeless road in eastern Colorado in freezing cold and howling winds to count non-existent long-billed curlew. Obviously, option two promised to be the least painful so I chose it. Nevertheless, I have been told by some who did attend the staff meeting that it was all doom and gloom and that the really important problems facing the Center were not discussed.

Consequently, I’ve compiled a list of the really important problems I think we should discuss at our next branch meeting.

1. The fern in D’s office has become so large it is scaring the other ferns in the building (for example, it is causing the fronds on my fern to turn yellow, curl, and fall to the never-vacuumed carpet of my office). Perhaps we should discuss whether city leash laws also apply to enormous, frightening ferns, and whether conducting regular controlled burns on the fern should be placed in Dean's performance standards.

2. Does B’s coffee mug, which is of sufficient mass that if hurled properly could kill a charging bull elephant or if dropped would cause a magnitude 4.2 earthquake, represent a safety hazard to USGA employees? Should USGAS employees be required to take the new web-based safety training module entitled “Working Smart and Safe Near B’s Mug?”

3. Word on the street has it that a nefarious secret society called “The Girl Scouts” has infiltrated USGA and has placed an operative in a high-level position (code named “MOM”, but who also goes by the alias “S”) that is trafficking in Girl Scout cookies. This may explain recent, sporadic reports of marauding bands of short people dressed in green (not to be confused with those delightful Keebler elves), going office-to-office kicking open desk drawers and file cabinets searching for and confiscating competitor’s cookies. We should discuss whether or not someone should prepare an S.O.P. entitled “Protecting Your Pecan Sandies and Double Stuff Oreos at the Office.”

4. In recent months tiny, screeching wails have been heard emanating intermittently from the vicinity of E’s office. (editorial note: E brings her infant to work) Covert surveillance has revealed that fellow employee T. is NOT the source of these sounds, despite assertions to the contrary. Instead, many now believe E’s office is obsessed by an Elvin spirit with an affinity for milk and mashed peas, and that the creature must be exorcised as expeditiously as possible. I propose we discuss whether to add a 5% assessment to all USGA proposals to cover the costs of hiring an exorcist of sufficient caliber to perform the exorcism.

5. I would like to discuss whether it is legal to sell the answers to the test questions posed in the web-based safety training USGA employees are required to take, or if this information must be made available at no cost via the Freedom Of Information Act. If the latter is the case, then is a Manuscript Transmittal Form required?

6. In recent months a malevolent-looking five-car motorcade of black limousines, fitted with presidential flags, has been spotted creeping slowly through the USGA parking lot, stopping only to view J’s bumper-sticker-adorned truck. This has caused traffic congestion and has prevented people from getting to work on time (we know this because admin. secretly viewed the secret video footage from the secret cameras secretly placed at the front entrance…you can not escape their surveillance) because they have to detour to Starbucks and return an hour later after the congestion has cleared. The only clue to the identity of the simian-like occupant in the middle limousine, the one where “U.S. Government” on the I-tag is incorrectly spelled “S.U. Government”, is a single red M&M candy found near J’s truck. Evidently, admin discovered the letters “MM” were written in a secret government code, and after months of applying abstruse mathematics and using a supercomputer powered by a nucular power plant…er, I mean a nuclear power plant, they cracked the code on the coded M&M and learned the secret to the secret code is that it is printed upside down. When decoded properly it read “WW” (i.e., “dumbya dubya” [sic]). I propose we discuss whether or not J should be “strongly encouraged” to park this “spectacle” he calls a truck elsewhere so as not to create further congestion in the parking lot. However, we could perhaps relax this sanction if J were willing to convince the local newspaper editor to “reconsider” certain rejected publications prepared by USGA staff.

7. The instructions on the photocopier explaining how to remove paper jams appears to have been written using an arcane alien script that is unintelligible to normal humans. I propose that we use an FTE to hire an exobiologist with a minor in alien linguistics to translate the script into English. We should discuss whether to hire this individual through Johnson Controls or using a student contract, but may instead want to consider placing PI’s in our branch on a 10.4-week rotation to fill the job so they can recoup 20% of their salary.

8. In recent news, Federal Protective Services (FPS) theorists announced they suspect terrorists of a plot to undermine the U.S. government by placing defective toilet paper dispensers in government restrooms. The plot came to light when janitorial staff at USGA reported that approximately every two days they would find hundreds of thumb-sized pieces of toilet paper littering the floor of the 3rd floor men’s restroom. Further investigation by FPS intelligence analysts concluded that defective terrorist-manufactured toilet paper dispensers were trapping federal employees in bathroom stalls, because the backup roll of paper would drop prematurely and jam against the nearly-depleted first roll as well as the metal housing of the toilet paper dispenser, thereby preventing the roll of toilet paper from dispensing smoothly and without resistance (colloquially this is known as the “Metamucil Effect”). Evidently employees, frantically tearing at the jammed toilet paper roll with their thumb and pointer finger, would produce enormous mounds of 1.5 cm x 2.5 cm (SE = 0.15 cm) pieces of tissue and in some cases would be trapped in bathroom stalls for hours, preventing them from attending to “really important government paperwork” like MTFs and Credit Card Logs. The result of this sinister plot was a net reduction in government employee productivity, which appears to have manifested itself beginning November, 2004. At our next branch meeting, I propose we discuss whether OSHA, DOI, and USGA safety regulations mandating that employees be provided with appropriate protective gear when working in hazardous or potentially hazardous conditions, should be interpreted to mean that each member of the branch be issued a discretely packaged, delicately-scented ration of two-ply toilet paper to be used in the event of an emergency.

Clearly this list is incomplete. For example, it has not escaped notice that the numerous problems that have befallen our branch coincide temporally with the arrival of P to our lab, and some have voiced suspicion he might be afflicted with “Bad JuJu” and that it is contagious. Thus a cleansing ceremony, complete with chanting monks and authentic beeswax candles, is probably in order. For a few extra bucks, we might even get the exorcist hired to clear E’s office to help out. However, serious problems like Bad JuJu may be best handled at the Center level and could form the theme of the next Center-wide staff meeting.