Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. - Cyril Connolly
Friday, May 18, 2007
Bigger is not always Better
Had another golf lesson this evening. It's quite the addictive game, and our golf pro, Jeff, is an absolutely awesome instructor. PGA Certified (with a Ph.D. in Nutrition?!), he is is hands down, one of the best teachers of any subject I have ever had. He's exceptionally patient (with 10 women - you have to be), gives tremendously helpful tips and examples, makes it approachable and non threatening, doesn't expect more than you can deliver, and doesn't overwhelm you with everything at once.

Today we learned to swing. Actually, we probably learned less than half of all the things you need to know in a good swing, and he'll teach us the other half next week, but it was enough to get started and actually feel like we were golfing.

Tomorrow, I call to see about a breast reduction. The game is rigged against girls like me.

The tall, skinny, super model girl (who looks JUST like Naomi Campbell, but is way nicer) with the expensive Nike golf shoes, perfectly matched Nike golf outfit, her own clubs, and matching visor, was on the tee pad next to me. While she was making gorgeous, lofty, shots, she made me look like Dumbo, with my chinos, tennis shoes, polo shirt, and charity loaner club, only instead of big ears, I have big ta-tas. Add to the fact that I am tall and left handed and I am about as freakish a woman golfer as they come.

There is one other left handed woman in the course (a bona fide, card carrying, lesbian straight out of Rosie O'Donnell central casting), who has taken a liking to me since I'm her left handed "sister". Now, don't get me wrong, I love me my lesbians - but if she starts dry humping my leg, I'm going to have to let her have a taste of my 9 iron.

Top Ten Euphemisms For Sneaking Out To Play Golf

  • I’m going to get some more greens in my diet.
  • The military needs me to test some bunker busters.
  • It’s time I got a grip on life.
  • I have to attend a seminar on anger management.
  • I need some R&R with Mr. Tee ASAP.
  • I’m on a search for the missing links.
  • I have a ball to attend.
  • I’m going to get a shot of Vitamin G.
  • I’ll be taking Mr. Woods for a drive in the country.
  • I have to see a man about a dogleg.
copyright: Clark Peterson.
posted by Broadsheet @ 9:45 PM  
4 Editorial Opinions:
  • At May 18, 2007, Anonymous Butch said…

    Good for you! Are you going to play golf at the reunion? I haven't played in years. I will need to buy some metal woods so as not to be embarassed by my wooden woods.
    Is there anything left in this materialistic society that hasn't become a status symbol?
    Also, if people pay for breast implants do they pay you for a breast reduction?

  • At May 18, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Okay, so I spent how long making nice-nice conversation last night, and you never said you're playing golf now? Let's go! We'll hit Pine Ridge and send up some salmon-steak divots- whaddya say?

  • At May 19, 2007, Blogger Broadsheet said…

    brother: I'm having a cookout with cousin Don this weekend - will follow up with reunion golf plans. Could be fun!

    Neckbone: Good to see you and the wifey last night!! Missed you guys terribly. Give me one more month - and you're on! Let's have a blogger golf outing!

  • At May 24, 2007, Anonymous anger hangover said…

    Still catching up on my favorite blogs here.

    Yikes! If some Rosie O lesbian started dry humping any part of me, I'd turn in my rainbow card and head straight for the convent.

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